Here is a review I wrote a while ago that I never posted anywhere so figured I might as well put it up as an example of analysis of overblown, poorly managed studio properties.
First thoughts: this is boring. I’ve seen it before. Give me something new. Honestly, this is one of those titles that I’ll cite to my little brother in 10 years when he’s a little older and learned on his films and culture. I’ll tell him about all the derivative packaged bullshit that gets created and how it ruins all the good stuff, since why would you make something different when people still pay for the same.
This one is on a higher level of disappointment than the average derivative action conspiracy whatever movie. It has the big cast of course. But then it’s directed by Tom Twyker, homeboy who at another time in his life did Run Lola Run. It was also written by Eric Singer. Name doesn’t ring a bell? Yeah, I can understand that. He co-wrote The Sky is Falling, renown in the industry as the best unproduced script ever basically. Google that story. So this is the first one he wrote that actually came to fruition.
I’ll bet at some point this was a hot project. Not just marketing wise, but I mean, I think somebody actually thought this might be good. Syriana with ACTION! Naomi Watts still lives off of her Mullholland Drive (no people, 21 Grams was not good. That guy dove off sentimentality bridge and into heavy-handed river after Amores Perros) cred, so casting her is them thinking edgy but bankable. Clive Owen has a lot of people fooled, so here too is another edgy and brilliant but bankable decision in their minds. Of course he’s a buffoon, but they didn’t know that. Obviously the script was as hot as Stay at some point. They throw Twyker in to direct and think they’re going to get a brand new type of action/conspiracy/thriller movie, with all the positives from the old archetype, but with a ton of new.
They circle jerk while reading the scene in the Guggenheim. Well, actually, was that scene ever really written? I can imagine it just being inserted in a production meeting by the studio. If Ben Silverman did movies, he’d have created this scene.
It’s seriously a 30-minute set piece. If you count the first part before they start shooting at least, but the shooting alone is about 15 minutes before the cops come, at which point they sneak out unnoticed of course.
I can imagine this scene being written originally taking place somewhere else. The first part has the dialogue and all that. The setup with the spy realizing he’s being followed, and the followers realizing they’re not the only ones following him all at once, or whatever the fuck was happening. Then there’s a shootout. Then they leave. Legitimately, that can be the whole thing. I can see it being two pages of dialogue and then a few sentences to sum up the entire gunfight scene.
It dragged on forever. Jesus fucking Christ. The action wasn’t even good. There were all these shots I was thinking about and waiting for but they never came. All we got were mediums of the guys running and shooting then rolling behind pillars, cut with close-ups of walls being shot up. They clearly only shot a very small part of it at the Guggenheim. Even a novice can see that. Not that I expect them to destroy the place, but they at least need to CGI some wides to sell it and make it worth shooting there. Otherwise I can do the same thing.
I’ll go with actors and steal a wide establishing shot of them looking at paintings, before I get kicked out. Then let’s shoot the rest of it in overs and close-ups with a white wall background, and call it the Guggenheim. What assholes. That Guggenheim sequence should really go down as the most ridiculous action sequence of all time.
This is a film where casting could never have made it actually good, but better at least. Take Enemy of the State. Not a great film, but it did some things well. Will Smith is an idiot, but he’s infinitely better than Owen in the same role. Naomi Watts is oh, oh, oh, oh, oh so sleep inducing.
Go watch The Shaft (sometimes titled Down). Right, both titles sound like a porn! Nope. NOT A PORN. Crazy, huh? Well that’s the other movie she did the year Mulholland Drive was made. Her performance is exactly the same as this movie. It’s about a killer motherfucking elevator. A killer elevator. Like The Mangler. Except it sucks more. And James Marshall (Twin Peaks) is also in it.
Obviously the leads here sucked, but I’m not even talking about them. I mean supporting. If you don’t remember the amazing supporting cast Enemy of the State had, you didn’t see it. Enemy of the State supporting cast who made an impression: Gene Hackman, Jon Voight (kinda leads), Jack Black, Jason Lee, Gabriel Byrne, Lisa Bonet, Regina King, Barry Pepper, Scott Caan, Jake Busey, Jamie Kennedy, Loren Dean, Bodhi Pine Elfman, Laura Cayouette, James Le Gros, Stuart Wilson, Ian Hart, Dan Butler and Anna Gunn. There are some huge names there, some who got paid, some who were in pre-stardom stage, and some names you don’t recognize but faces you definitely would. That entire cast made the movie good. The twists were fine. Tony Scott didn’t put too much of his style in to fuck it up, and these actors just did their thing, kicking ass.
The International supporting cast who had more than one scene, but obviously made no impressions: Armin Mueller-Stahl (basically 2nd lead with more screen time than Watts), Ulrich Thomsen, and Brian F. O’Byrne. No one else was worth noting because they did nothing. There were people who delivered messages, like the big bad guys who are revealed in the end, but I think they just sat there. And there are his superiors and whatnot who just say this is what you need to do.
The big miscasting was Brian O’Byrne. Not a bad actor—just not right here. This guy was the big hitman they were chasing and he was this balding white guy. If this were an X-Files episode, which this movie resembled very much so without the supernatural element, this guy would have this super creepy defect which is involved in how he’s killing people. But he’s just a Joe. And he doesn’t give a very unexpected performance or add anything to the role that was not on the page. No nuance. He’s just a white guy who kills people for a living and has no sense of humor about it.
Cast…say…another Watts former co-star…Justin Theroux. Have him play this and let him run with it, and fuck. You have a hitman that stands out. Well, not one that stands out, they need to keep a low profile, but you get what I mean.
They also had a largely international cast (in…The International…woah!). This didn’t help unfortunately. These actors probably spoke poor English, as does the director clearly (so pissed, because this lets Owen riff more), so even if they were good, they didn’t get to act at all, and it hurt the film a lot. It was all things happening but all externally. They find this clue. They go find this piece of intel. They have to go kill somebody. They get chased. The exposition provides nothing of interest for…the crux of why all of these movies suck…they’re not really about banks defrauding the world and keeping the cash.
MacGuffin. Hitchcock. Any noir from the 40s. they’re good because they’re about people and the circumstances we all deal with. We don’t relate nor give a shit about why Cary Grant is being chased everywhere, it’s just fun. What we care about is the statements on identity that North by Northwest makes. It’s discomforting. The way this guy’s dealing with people, trust and mistrust. That’s part of our everyday lives. I’m not referring to double crosses of hitmen killing a different mark. We’re touched by the gender issues and political metaphors brought up in Kiss Me Deadly. The makers of this film could have learned a lot from those two.
By the way, this is an exchange from the movie.
Clive: “Then you read my file.”
Naomi: “Yes.”
Clive: “Then you know shit!”
Yes. Classic Clive Owen phraseology. Gosh does he have a way with words.
Has anyone ever told him that cursing doesn’t actually strengthen the affect or effect of what he says? Please, if you know him, do so.
Another lesson to learn from this film, which brings me back to the Guggenheim scene. Godfuck. That scene was absurd. Every scene in this movie takes place in some elaborate location. We know you spent money on this, guys. But sadly, you can’t just place stupid dialogue scenes in big locations and think we’ll be distracted enough to be interested. It’s still stupid, but just more insulting. Los Angeles in general: take note please. Sure, cool locations do provide production value. But production value means jack shit when your story and the rest of the elements in your movie suck. I think that this elaborate locations approach could have been used quite well on the right project, and it absolutely will be, but this was not it.
Alright, I don’t want to write anything else on this piece of shit. I hope none of these people ever make a movie again. Except Eric Singer. I feel bad for that guy. I want to see Sky is Falling at some point.
Next time, when you’re trying to make this year’s Syriana, take note from the actual original. That film got made on a relative shoestring budget because all of these A-list actors wanted to work for relative pennies since they loved the script. Quality attracts quality. But this was just a repackaged piece of shit. There’s a reason why Clive Owen was in this and not Syriana. And there’s also a reason why this movie had Clive Owen in it instead of George Clooney or somebody else from Syriana. It fucking sucked from go.
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